Don't Know What I'm Doing

Sod The Beeb!

2006-04-28T19:03:00.000+01:00

I've been put in pre mod by the childish moderators on the UK News message board this afternoon, for what I would describe as fairly innocent comments, just silly banter really. They don't half take their jobs seriously, especially due to local elections coming up. I don't know why it's pissed me off so much, but it has.

Christ! I Love Cartoons.

2006-01-09T13:57:00.000Z

My favourite country at the moment is Denmark, I hear they are very good at drawing cartoons.

To All My Blog Friends, I Wish You -

2005-12-24T14:48:00.000Z

I Couldn't Wait To Get Out.

2005-11-23T19:08:00.000Z

Continuing my accounts of my battle with depression and anxiety. I was anxious to get out of the residential home and into a place of my own. I was offered a bungalow which was being built in the local town, by a housing association. It was to be specially adapted to my personal needs. I couldn't wait, although nervous about coping on my own, it must be better than residing in an institution.

By now my anxiety had reached the point where I could no longer sleep in my room on my own. All the residents had their own room, and at night there would be two staff on duty to look after upto twenty four people. If you needed assistance you had to alert the staff via a buzzer system, and if they were busy, it could take several minutes for them to get to you. Well this really worried me, if I had a panic attack, I may have to wait before someone would turn up, making me panic more. You see when these attacks happened, I was convinced that I was going to die, I mean, really sure. So I had a friend sleep on the floor in my room, or if no one was able to, I would stay up all night, and sometimes get drunk and pass out. It's really hard to explain to someone what it feels like when going through something like that.

to be continued...

I'm Going Through With It This Time.

2005-11-21T17:50:00.000Z

My new appointment came the other day, the one for the lapyroscopy. I've mentioned it before, it is for Monday November 28th. This involves passing a small camera up the penis and into the bladder, so I can have a supa-pubic catheter fitted. The doctor will make an incision through the skin and into the bladder. After making the incision a thin tube known as a catheter is then incerted through the hole and into the bladder where it will stay. That is how I will be peeing from then on.
I will be glad when it is over with. As I've stated before, I am reluctant to have anything done at a hospital, for fear of catching one of the many super-bugs you can catch. I have decided to go ahead because I am having problems with the current method I use to have a pee. I have accidents regularly where I get wet, which causes great anguish and frustration. I use these things called 'penis-pouches', which fit over the penis and are stuck on with tape, and attached to a plastic bag via a tube. All very inconvenient.

Well Pissed Off - 'Saints!', 'SINNERS!' more like.

2005-11-20T15:18:00.000Z

Southampton
3 - 4(3 - 0)
Leeds
M Pahars 26N Quashie 34N Quashie (pen) 45
P Butler 70R Blake 76D Healy (pen) 83L Miller 85
Bookings:D Wise 28N Quashie 90
Bookings:P Butler 21E Lewis 63

My Best Mates In The Whole World - Chunks & Simba

2005-11-18T18:50:00.000Z

Depression & Anxiety Part 3.

2005-11-14T17:49:00.000Z

Carrying on from the part where I was now jobless, what was I going to do to occupy myself all day. I had always been a lazy sod, no imagination or motivation in me. The evenings were ok because I could always get pissed. Me and my friend John, who was also a resident in the home, he'd broken his neck playing rugby a few years earlier, were drinking buddies. We'd buy a couple of bottles of vodka, mix up in a jug with coke and ice, and then proceed to drink ourselves into a stupor by the early hours. This could happen 3 or 4 times a week, depending on bordem threshhold. It relieved the depression and anxiety for a little while, although the hangovers would make me feel rather uneasy, I would get palpatations and cause myself to panic even more.
A panic attack is a very frightening experience, mine would occur out of the blue, I'd be watching tv or reading a newspaper and suddenly, ba bump ba ba bump, the palpatations start, and they are followed by; light headedness, knotted stomach, hyperventilation, sweats, and the belief you're going to die. It could last for a couple of minutes or upto an hour, depending on where I was, and who was around. I would only feel comfortable talking to certain members of the care staff about my problems. Not everybody can understand or empathise with you. Some people can make you feel rather stupid.
Another contributing factor was that living in a residential home, you get various types of disability which range from a slight to very severe form. With certain conditions the life expectancy was not very good, therefore some of the people living in the home at the time passed away. This also happened when I was at the college in Coventry. One of my friends whom I had met at college passed away at the age of 18, and his brother had died just a few months previously at 16. They both had Muscular Dystrophy, but a more severe form than the one I have. So you see, watching people die around you like that, was not very healthy psychologically for me.

Black Panther(Leopard)

2005-11-12T19:23:00.000Z

Got this brilliant animation from Gavin, he's an expert at this sort of thing, you should check out his blog at: Gavs Blog
The Black Panther is in fact a normal Leopard, they are born in the same litters as normally marked cubs. They have the usual Leopard markings but this is masked by the black fur. The term used to describe them is; melanistic, this comes from 'melanin', a dark coloured skin and hair pigment.

This Is Me

2005-11-12T12:04:00.000Z

Depression..continued

2005-11-11T18:59:00.000Z

I first moved to the residential home in October 1986, this was after 2 years at a college for the physically disabled in Coventry. The said home was in Llanelli, Wales. I'm originally from near Aberystwyth, which is mid-west Wales, Llanelli is further south, famous for its rugby team.
Anyway, I moved to 'Coleshill Home For The Younger Physically Handicapped', as it was known, because there was an ITEC in the town where I was to study computers and a touch of electronics. I didn't really have much of an interest in computers, but it was the only avenue open to me regarding future employment. I studied at the Tec for 18 months, not achieving much in the way of qualifications, apart from some basic computer skills.
My twin brother who also has the same condition, moved into the home at the same time as I did. (incidently, my older brother also has the same condition, as had my darling sister, who sadly passed away in march 2000) He finished at the Tec after 12 months when he was offered a job at a small local company, which made window blinds. They also had 50 to 60 youngsters employed on the YTS scheme where they learnt different skills, one of which was computers, which my brother was responsible for teaching. After the 18 months in the tec, I joined my brother at the company. I was given a position in the office helping to keep the accounts, and helping out with the setting up of a computer system, to automate some of the office tasks. I didn't really enjoy my time with them, I didn't like the bosses, I thought they were a bit weird, I think they were a bit religious or something. I also never found the work interesting. I was and still am a bit of a lazy sod to be honest. Well after 6 months with them, I was made redundant, business wasn't very good. I was a bit upset at the time, mainly because of financial reasons, without any wages, all I would be entitled to is about 10.00 pounds a week. They called this 'pocket money', how patronising and insulting, expecting a young man to live on that measly sum. This amount is official policy in all state run homes. I know there is no rent or energy and food bills to pay for, but how can you be expected to afford a social life or buy the things that everybody does, like; cds, videos, clothes, fags, booze etc..
Anyhow, I was now unemployed and skint. This is where the depression and anxiety was to take over my life. Having nothing to do except stare out of a window all day, would drive anyone crazy. I'm lost now, where was I when I started this second bit. I think I'll continue tomorrow, cup of coffee and lye down.

Depression - such a crippler

2005-11-10T14:59:00.000Z

I haven't posted for a few days, the old 'cloud has been down'. That's what I call it when depression envelopes me.
It all started some 14 years ago, accompanied by terrible bouts of anxiety. I think the anxiety came first, causing the depression. It was like when you have a 'panic attack', I remember my first one clear as day, woosh, I felt my heart jump, and then the palpatations started, I really thought I was going to die. I raced to find somebody to tell them I felt strange, and after a chat with the assistant officer(I was in a residential home at the time), who was a qualified nurse, I slowly composed myself. Little did I know that it would dramatically affect my life for the next few years.
Panic attack after panic attack, day in day out, the night could be especially bad. It was time to try and do something about it. A visit to the doctor resulted in a prescription for 'valium', I know, it's frowned upon these days because of it's addictiveness, but it did help quite a lot at the time. I would carry a little bottle of them with me everywhere, I wouldn't go out without them, if I did forget them, instant panic.
Living in a residential home didn't help, you get institutionalised. I was there for 7 years, after 4 years I was really keen to leave and get a place of my own, easier said than done. I would need a specially adapted bungalow or flat, and there were none available at the time.

I will continue this later, tired now.

There's One Going Off Every Second..BANG!

2005-11-04T20:31:00.000Z

The fireworks haven't stopped going off for the last hour at least, I'm no grump, but they drive me insane. Chunks doesn't care about them, he barks his head off, I remember once when I bought some to let off in my garden, he was trying to catch all the sparks flying about, and chase the rockets. Simba on the other hand is frightened, he never used to be this scared, I think it's because the fireworks have definitely got louder, and there are more of them being let off. I hate to see him like this, but there's not much you can do, I just turn up the volume on my tv. Holly, my late German Shepherd used to be more frightened than Simba even, she would urinate on the floor, and then proceed to rub the urine away with her nose. If she could get into a bedroom she would do it on one of the beds, she would also hide in the bathroom, it doesn't have any windows. I feel terribly sorry for any animals that are stuck outside with nowhere to go, I don't like to think about it really. In my opinion, fireworks should be banned from public sale, only to be seen at organised displays. It's very irresponsible of retailers to be selling them to children, or parents allowing their kids to wander the streets throwing fireworks about, because that's who's setting them off.

Six Post..Blah Blah blah blah

2005-11-01T17:52:00.000Z

'What shall I post about this evening?' Most of the time things just pop into my head, 'the dogs have just started barking and howling', doesn't take much to get them going, I just asked them if they'd had their dinner. 'Simba' is a GSD/black lab cross, approx 10 years old, I got him from the local dogs home 7 years ago. 'Chunks' is my other dog, he's a terrier cross, approx 12 years old, I got him by accident. He was a stray that appeared at my door one day, he was in a terrible state, all scruffy and thin. I think he came from a gypsy camp nearby, because he would head in that direction when he got out. After about a month he decided he was better off with me, and stayed permanently, I'm so pleased he did, he's a great character. I also had a GSD, 'Holly', she sadly died 12 months ago through cancer. I had her from a puppy, 7 weeks old, she was born on christmas day 1993, hence the name. She was the most loving, soft natured dog you could ever meet, she was my baby, I freely admit. I had her cremated, so I could keep the ashes. They are in a nice wooden box, which sits on my bed table next to my laptop. She is still watching over me.

Fifth Post

2005-10-31T19:22:00.000Z

Well, I chickened out of going into hospital yesterday, the fear of getting a 'hospital superbug' is too much. I don't know what to do about it, relying on the nurses and doctors to have washed their hands before touching me, I have no control over this. Anyway it's done now, I will look into it again.

It's Halloween today, no trick or treaters have called yet, they rarely do anymore, I think my dogs barking at the gate frighten them away. It's all become too commercialised anyhow, or 'Yankification', as I like to say. The shops are full of products related to Halloween, yet more money for parents to fork out, gone are the simple homemade masks, costumes etc., when will it all stop? We are just 4 days away from Bonfire night, then it's christmas. I've been told that there are houses with decorations on already, I love christmas, but what the f*** is going on.

Went on the BBC UK News message board again today, it's very addictive, although there is a lot of crap posted. There are some nice people on there, it's good to talk to other people apart from my carers everyday. I have linked some of them onto my blog, Gavin, Span, Six and Lena. They have really interesting blogs going, much more creative and intelligent than mine. Mine is just a mish mash of instant thoughts that come into my head, I don't do any research or preparation. I'm not an expert on anything really, my biggest interest is the animal kingdom, I am passionate about animal rights.

Saturday Afternoons Ramblings...

2005-10-29T15:28:00.000+01:00

The day started like every other day, woke early, 07.15am, played golf on my mobile, Vijay Singh's version, very addictited to it at the moment. I play it before I go to sleep for about an hour, same in morning before I stir. Exciting stuff eh..
My carer Andrea arrived 09.15am, did what I always do, endless cups of tea & coffee drank whilst putting the world to rights. I enjoy my chats with Andrea, she has been my carer for 12 years, she's a brilliant person to put up with me.
I normally sit up at about 11.00am, I have one of those electric beds, my laptop is directly in front of me on a bed table, with my tv in the corner.
My other carer at the moment is Janis, she is sent through an agency that specializes in providing care in the community. She works on a rota basis, normally 2 weeks at a time, the other 2 are usually covered by another carer, Pauline. They are both excellent, very nice people.

Southampton are winning 1-0, I support them by the way, someone has to. If we win that will be 2 wins in a row, makes a change from the draws lately. I haven't watched a live game on tv yet this season, I've become rather cynical about 'the beautiful game', too much greed in my opinion, but that's another story.

I watched 'Monk' on BBC2, good viewing.

'Oh shit', I've just remembered, I'm supposed to be going in to hospital tomorrow. It's to see if they can do a 'lapyroscopy' i.e. to give me a 'supa-pubic cathater'. Graphically speaking, 'it involves, pushing a camera up my penis (yikes) into the bladder, this is so they can make an incision to put a tube into the bladder near my waistline. The procedure will solve my current bladder problems. I am reluctant to go into hospital though. That is because of the risk of getting 'MRSA', you know, the notorious 'haspital superbug'. My local hospital doesn't have a very good reputation, they had a case once where some poor guy had the wrong kidney removed; the surgeon took out his good one by mistake, sadly the patient later died. I think somebody else died as the result of a morphine overdose; they were given too big a dose of the pain killer with fatal consequences. Shocking isn't it. I will have to speak to the doctors to sort something out.

Third Post Attempt

2005-10-28T17:28:00.000+01:00

Here I go again. I use a wooden spoon to type because I can only hit one key at a time, I do have 'Dragon Naturally Speaking', which I will try to see if it is compatible with this. It will enable me to dictate my musings using a headset with microphone. I will be able to write quicker and longer. Don't know if it will make my ramblings any more interesting though. Blimey, that's 4 lines now. I will now get my carer to put my headset on, and see if the dictation software works. I will start a new post if it does, so bear with me.

My Second Post

2005-10-28T16:44:00.000+01:00

It's difficult deciding what to write about, perhaps I should write a profile of myself. The brain does seem to want to shut down whenever I start to get creative. It must be the lack of use over the last few years me thinks.

This is all new to me

2005-10-26T18:30:00.000+01:00

Hi, this is my first go at this....